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                        Getting What You Really Want
                                Part Eleven
                                Nick  Tails

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        "You're what?" I asked him.
        "I can't stay any more," Tim explained.  I couldn't believe it.  I
had just walked in the door, and he sat me down at started telling me he's
leaving.
        "Why?"
        "Because I don't feel the same that I do a while back.  I've just
changed."
        "Changed, how?"
        He sat down on the other end of the couch in our living room, and
continued.  "I'm not Gay anymore, Nick.  I decided that I wasn't happy with
myself, and I'm changing a few things in my life."
        "Tim, you don't just suddenly decide you're not Gay.  You can't do
that."
        "It's been a long time coming.  I've thought about this for months,
before I was really involved with you, or really knew you."
        I fell back against the back.  I didn't want to hear this.  I had
just spent all this time planning what we could do.  Now it was over.  I was
shocked, but more than that, I felt cheated.  I felt like he had just taken
away something from me.
        "Nick," he started, "I just want to tell you that I still love you, I
just don't love you as Gay."
        I looked straight at him.  "Get the fuck out."  That's all I said. He
first looked hurt, then surprised, then finally depleted.  He briefly packed,
taking only a few things, and walked into the living room.  He turned.
        "Maybe you'll understand."  I didn't look at him.  I heard him walk
out, and close the door.  In a few moments, a car engine drifted into the
distance.


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Two Weeks Later
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        I was suicidal.  I walked around the house, looking at all the things
that had meant so much.  Now they were just artifacts in an empty house.
Throwing myself into my job helped a little, but still, only 8 hours a day,
maybe overtime sometimes, just worked during the day.  I came home to the
house that was once a home.  I was so lonely.  I just sat down on our
cou...on my couch and started to cry.  I cried myself asleep.  I probably
woke up about 9 that next morning, Saturday.  The doorbell woke me up.
        "You haven't answered the phone in a week.  What's wrong?"
        Aron was at the door.  He was alone.
        "What?" I said still half asleep.  "Oh, the phone.  I haven't been
home...come on in."
        I walked away from the door, he came in and shut it.  "Nick you look
like you haven't eaten in 2 weeks."
        "I haven't really...just something here and there..."
        He followed me into the kitchen.  "How much weight have you lost?"
        I wandered around the kitchen floor.  "30 or 35 pounds I guess..."
        Aron quickly looked around him.  "Where's Tim?"
        "Gone," I said, grabbing the last cup of coffee in the house.
        "What do you mean 'gone'?  Where is he?"
        "I don't know.  He said he didn't love me, and he left."
        "No...that isn't Tim," Aron returned.  "What happened between you and
him?"
        "He said he wasn't Gay.  So he left."
        Aron kept looking at me with a look you couldn't mistake for
anything.  He was confused.  "Tim left?"
        "Bottom line, buddy."
        He sat down on a bar stool in the kitchen.
        "I'm surprised he didn't tell you," I said.
        "No, not a word..."  He looked at me.  "Get dressed, we're going out
for breakfast."

        "Are you going to get back into dating?" he asked me.  I was staring
down at the slimy eggs on my plate.
        "I don't know.  After you've been involved with a relationship, it's
kind of hard to do that, you know?"
        "I guess it would be," he told me.  I realized that he had been with
Justin nearly all his life since high school, so he probably didn't
understand as much as I thought he would.
        "What would be my first move?" I asked him.
        "What did you do before you met Tim?"
        "I met all of you in the college course, remember?  Before that,
nothing.  We were all screwing around at those parties, then we settled down.
Those didn't go on for very long.  None of us were up to it."
        He thought about it.  "You wouldn't want to go back to college, would
you?" he asked, half laughing.  I smiled.
        "Don't think I could handle it again."

        That evening, Aron and Justin were over.  We had been discussing the
situation, but no one really had much to say.  I went into the kitchen.
        "Anyone want more coffee?" I hollered.  Both of them came back with
their cups.  Aron set his down.
        "Fill me up, I'll be right back."  He walked out of the room.
        Justin spoke.  "That's funny.  Aron never has a second cup of coffee
at home."
        "I don't want to hear it," I told him.
        "You know, I've got a friend who you might like to meet...that is, if
you're interested."
        "Sure, " I said.  I wasn't very enthusiastic with my answer, and I
got the feeling Justin didn't think I was serious, so I continued.  "What's
his name?"
        "Hmmm?"  Justin looked up.  "Oh, Trevor Basinger.  He's Canadian,
about your age."
        "Is this a fix up?"
        "Does it sound that way?"
        "Honestly?  Yeah," I told him.
        "Do you want to meet him?"
        I sighed, and paused.  "I have to do something to get back in my
life."
        "I'll call him and let you know."
        I thought about it for a moment.  "No.  If I'm going to get back into
life, I want to do it on my own."
        "You sure?"
        "Thanks, but...I want to do my own thing...If that's ok"
        "No problem, I'm not offended.  I'm proud of you."
        I smiled at him.

        That next evening, I went out to "Denver Knights", one of the more
popular Gay bars in the area.  Going to a Gay bar instead of meeting a friend
of Justin's might sound like the wrong move, but this was more like a
restraunt than anything.  This place was anything but a pick-up bar.  The
images of crowds around the bar, guys going along and sprouting lines to
other guys in hopes of a one night stand just didn't exist here.
        It was more like a Gay restraunt, where a male//male couple could go
and enjoy themselves, without having to worry about what the people around
them thought.  All the people by themselves were seated at a huge table in
the middle of the dining room, where I was seated.  I ordered something to
eat, and received my drink.
        "Have you ever had their shrimp?"  It was the man seated next to me.
I jumped a little.
        "No, I don't believe so."
        "It's pretty good."  I slightly smiled, and turned away.  He
continued talking.
        "That's just about the only thing that I have...It's probably the
best thing on the menu..."  He noticed I was a little uneasy.  "I'm sorry, I
guess I should tell you who I am.  I tend to just talk to people and they
freak."
        I laughed a little at his last statement, and turned to him.
        "I'm John," he told me.  I introduced myself as Roger.  Why I lied
about my name I don't know, but it seemed like a good idea when dealing with
a stranger.
        "So, Roger, how come your alone.  You don't look like you're the type
of person who likes to be alone."
        "Lost my lover a couple of weeks ago."

        "I know the feeling.  My companion left me about two months ago.
Still haven't quite gotten over it."
        "What happened?" I asked him.
        "I think he found someone else that he liked better.  I don't know,
maybe he was just tired of me.  For some reason, I seem to bore people or
something like that."
        "Why would you say that?"
        "I just seem to have that effect on people.  I've had 6 lovers in the
last 5 months.  It's like I'm some kind of disease."
        "I know that feeling.  You just feel like people are uncomfortable
with you."
        "Yeah," he continued.  "They want to escape, and keep giving you the
attitude that they feel they can do better."
        "That's it," I said.  My dinner was set in front of me.  We continued
to talk through the course of my meal.  I discovered that we had a lot more
in common than I originally discovered.  Not necessarily about physical
things, but a lot of the same opinions and feelings about different topics.
It was kind of nice to meet someone that you felt like you could say anything
to, and trust them.  Even if you hadn't known them for that long.
        As the meal came to a close, I was very much interested in this
person.
        "I do have to tell you one thing though," I told him.
        "What is it?"
        "My name's not Roger.  I'm Nick Tails."
        "You're like me, you use a alias.  My name's Trevor Basinger."
        I practically died laughing.
        "What is it?"
        "You're Justin Parker's friend, aren't you?"
        "That's right."
        "He was supposed to fix a meeting up for me with you.  Kind of
ironic.  I told him that I was going to go and find a friend on my own.  This
is weird."
        "No, this is fate."
        I nodded.  "Something like that.  Mind if I talk to you sometime
again?"
        "I'd love to," he told me.  He gave me his phone number, and I did
the same.  We walked out into the parking lot, and then parted.  It was kind
of strange feeling close to someone you hardly know.  You always hear it
happening, but this was the first time that I had actually felt this way.  I
knew I'd see him again.  If I lost the number or something, getting it from
Justin wouldn't be a problem.  I was all set to go and tell Justin about it,
but I decided that the next time he was around, I'd just let him see us
together.  It would make more of an impact that way.
        I got in my car and started it up.  I just sat for a moment, feeling
content.  Actually, relaxed is more of an appropriate word.  I didn't feel as
alone as I did.  It certainly wasn't the "Tim.  Who needs him." type
attitude, I could never do that, but the wound was beginning to heal.

        I called Aron back that evening.
        "Hello?"  It was Aron.
        "Hey Aron, what's going on?"
        "Very little."
        "Maybe you were right.  Getting back into life was what I needed."
        "I will assume that you have met somebody."
        "That I did.  Just do me a favor and don't let on to Justin.  I'll
explain why later."
        "Sure, buddy.  I'm happy for you."
        "Why have you been letting your feelings flow lately.  Are you in a
particularly good mood?  Is this going to last?"
        "I don't get what you mean," he told me.
        "I mean, you've been saying things like 'I'm happy' and 'proud of
you'.  Just things that you haven't said before."
        "Just changing I guess."
        "I know what you mean," I told him.  "I'll let you go.  See if you
can't come on over within a few days.  Just call first."
        "OK, Nick.  Talk to you later."
        "Bye," I said, then hung up the phone.

        What's really weird about life is the fact that you can't really get
completely depressed.  Life itself has kind of a back-up system.  If
absolutely everything goes wrong, then for some strange reason you laugh.  So
if you ever get depressed, and feel you can't go on, and aren't laughing,
then there's got to be something that is still worth sticking around for.  My
friends are what I was left with.  People you can depend on.  Though it may
not seem like they care, they really do inside.  That's what makes it nice.
And thoughout all that I go through, they're there for me.  It's comforting.

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Nick Tails